i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
