so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
