Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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