I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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