I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
