I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
