Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
