i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
