It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
My friends, they love my intelligence
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
