Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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