I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
