thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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