Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
