My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
