you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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