your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
