Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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