I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
