I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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