so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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