i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
