You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
