Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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