1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
