I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
