I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
