He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
