nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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