nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize