Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
