my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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