You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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