New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
