I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
