did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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