I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
