I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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