turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
