im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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