we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
