as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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