I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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