Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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