I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
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