Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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