I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
