The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
