I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
