A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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