Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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