Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
