I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Less talking, more tequila
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
