i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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