I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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