The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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