god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
