is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
