I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
